Health class has been teaching us for years that our sexuality is a matter of life and death. Whether you learned in sex-ed that unprotected sex could lead to STDs, AIDS and eventually death, or if your school district decided to take the moral high road via abstinence only education and kindly explain you'd be struck down by lightning and dragged straight to hell if you ever uttered the words "premarital sex," the bottom line is if you don't know what you're doing, you're going to die.
Most sex-ed teachers don't tell you that serial killers that specialize in brutal, adolescent murders use sexual status to determine their victims. Virgins are much more likely to survive a killer let loose behind the bleachers than her promiscuous friend who's screwed the entire football team.
Why is this so? No one ever really knows, because the killer is always slain by the innocent by the end of the movie, or has escaped his fatal wounds and gone into hiding until the "Twilight" and "Harry Potter" hype has gone down enough for him to revamp his slashing in a gory sequel.
The classic slashers all follow this formula. In "Halloween" the slutty friend is one of the first to go when she mistakes the killer for her boyfriend and tries to seduce him, not realizing he has already killed her boyfriend and hung him in the closet. The virginal babysitter escapes unscathed.
In "Scream," sweet Sidney isn't even attacked until she gives it up. She is pardoned, though, because having a mass murderer peer pressure you into having sex after killing most of your friends is kind of like a free pass on the virginity front. But maybe if it had actually felt good, the slasher gods wouldn't have been so forgiving.
Teenage slasher virgins are harder to come by these days, and often times lead to the deaths of all the main characters. Clearly, sex is to blame for these heartless murders. Couldn't you have just waited at least until college?
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