In case you think I'm funny...

If you don't, skip out on this post. In fact, just close your browser window--and get a sense of humor, because I'm fucking hilarious.

Anyway, I was a humor columnist for the Daily Cardinal my last two years of college, and I've picked out a few of my favorites, including two the management refused to print, and posted the longer, sometimes unedited versions here.

If you think I'm smart, which is probably less likely, I've posted some of my favorite articles I've done for internships, freelance and at my job at University Communications here.

Sex and the City

I've actually heard "Sex and the City" referred to as porn for women before. Maybe that's because of the soft core steamy scenes, but I think it works for my purposes as well.

What woman could want more than wealth, independence, beauty and an active social life? Throw in New York City, "lunch" as a verb, and no modern female can resist.

Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte each represent a different type of dream come true for a different type of woman. Carrie is the creative, thoughtful artist, Samantha is the high powered, but sexually charged business woman, Miranda is a top notch attorney and Charlotte, well, she's got class. And they seem to spend more time shopping for designer shoes than actually working, that is, of course, when they're not lunching.

Not so realistic, but a nice thought at least. 

True Blood

In HBO's hit show "True Blood," the fangs come out for both the male and female vampires when they're either hungry or horny. It's about time someone equated food with sex, since both can be equally pleasurable.

The "True Blood" vampires also bite their human counterparts during sex, when they get really into it. This is probably a reference to coming, meaning that they can't climax until they get a tasty treat, literally.

500 Days of Summer

I saw this film the weekend it opened in Madison with my best friend, Lee'at. We've been friends for more than 6 years and have guided each other through a number of rocky romances until we both recently found loving and dedicated partners.

By guided, I mean analyzed. I am, by nature, an analyzer. I will analyze every phone call, every lack of phone call, every text message, every word, hell, every time he sneezes I swear it means something. Lee'at is the same way.

But in this film, the guy, Tom Hansen (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is the obsessor and the love of his life (or so he claims), Summer Finn (Zooey Deschanel), is distant, dismissive and not at all committed.

I know it works both ways, but I have a feeling that more women have felt like Tom and have been hurt by guys like Summer. And watching the men who broke our hearts portrayed by a woman, especially one as beautiful, bohemian and full of life as Deschanel was surprisingly liberating.

Not to mention how adorable Gordon-Levitt is as a hopeless romantic.

The movie concludes with Summer marrying someone else, and explaining to Tom that she didn't believe in love like he did until she met her husband. In other words, she just didn't love Tom. He wasn't ugly, stupid, annoying or any of that. She just didn't fall for him. And it wasn't either of their faults.

Both Lee'at and I have rejected people, been rejected, fallen against our wills and finally loved someone who loves us back. Romances that might have meant the world to us may have been a time killer for our partners, and vice versa. But "500 Days of Summer" reminded us that things don't always look the same from both sides, and just because someone doesn't love you doesn't mean that no great guy ever will.

This is not a porn site

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